Mike the Girl
  • About
    • Bios
  • Classes
    • Private Lessons
  • Media
    • Social Demos and Comps
    • Choreographed Performances
    • Photos
  • Contact

Welcome, and Good Luck!- from Archives, March 10

3/23/2009

3 Comments

 

People tell me, from time to time, that I need to actually write in my blog; they're right. I often consider that maybe if I didn't spend so much time chewing my thoughts over and over, that there'd me more left than mush when I finally consider writing them down. I had grandiose ideas when I set up this blog- it was supposed to be full of wit and wisdom... or at least not be all about dance, like everything else I do. The reason there's only one entry? Probably because I set my standards to high. It's hard to live up to anything grand. So starting today, I'll try and just blog.

Moving has left me with a lot of thoughts, but I question whether that warrants a blog. To be honest, for someone who moves as much as I do, I'm not especially good at it. I mean yes, I'm good at packing- secret #1: don't get attached to your stuff. You can do without most of it. And I'm good at finding out what there is in a city, and where to find people- secret #2: google, and google maps, are the source of all things informed. And sure- I'm even good at getting around in cities I've never been to- see again secret #2.

But the hardest part about moving isn't identifying roads or attending dances. The hardest part about moving is feeling at home. For me, that means making myself a part of the community. It means finding someone I can call at the end of a rough day, and saying, "Hey, come over- let's do nothing together." There are countless groups of nice people that are easy to find in any given city... and yet, there's something else that has to happen- something hardly short of mystical. And the more I talk to other people, the more I feel this is a large pattern. So why?

Sometimes I think it has to do with history, and that the reason frequent movers feel alienated is that they don't have the chance to build a past with someone. It's hard not to feel close to the people who've seen you through your best haircuts and worst relationships. That's cetainly part of it. There may be more to it, though. (warning: this will look like a tangent. Stick with me.)

I read in a book once (TheGeneral Theory of Love) that the value of therapy isn't actually anything the therapist has to say. It's not a matter of telling someone who suffers from some intangible ailment how to see the world rightly. It is, as it turns out, the act of bonding with someone. To enter into a state of limbic resonance with someone more psychologically healthy than you is to learn from them on a subconscious level. The act of forging a bond is the medicine.

I read also that people suffering from emotion are, in a sense, emotionally blind. That is to say, someone who is severely depressed can't look at someone's face and see affection, sarcasm, humor, or irritation. They hear the words, but miss the connotations. This means that acheiving limbic resonance becomes incredibly difficult; the patient loses access the their best chance of healing. (This is why medication + therapy is often the best solution for patients suffering from depression).

So, if someone who is depressed needs to feel accepted and loved, and cannot read acceptance or love... you get the idea.

Perhaps, on a much reduced level, those who are in a state of upheaval suffer a similar situation. Even moves to cities where people already have friends can be shockingly traumatic. Once enough time has passed, the shock wears off, habit sets in, and the limbic brain restores the emotional and social order we pack animals need so very badly. Bonding follows, and voila- you've made yourself a home.

So the next time you move, schedule in some cushioning: plan to call friends, schedule visits, get involved in multiple social circles in your new city, and- most of all- remember that with time and the right group of people, you'll find yourself an indispensible member of the community.

Cheers,
-m.

3 Comments
Mark Gilman link
3/23/2009 05:52:06 pm

The theory of bonding you mentioned is really interesting. I feel that formulation of the relationship is important, but I disagree that it is the whole thing. There is important work to be done in digging up the past and see how it relates to the present. Good work is done in formulating a narrative, why do you feel this way, where do those feelings come from, how do those feelings cause problems in the present. By weaving together one's life into a connected whole, understanding and light enters where there has been only darkness and pain. We are less likely to fear our pain and patterns, and go about changing them in the present (learning how to do that is another vital part as well) when we understand them. Also vital is having the actual feelings, yelling, screaming, sobbing, all of that. The most vital relationship building in therapy, I have perceived in my experiences, is the relationship to the self. Whenever I have a problem reaching out to someone else, usually there is some part of myself that is removed, and shunned. In bringing back those parts of and connecting to them, I've been able to re-connect to others and activities could not do in a healthy way. I do agree that the relationship with the therapist is vital as well, but it is part of a larger whole of tools and strategies used to bring clarity where there was darkness, harmony where there was disjunction, and love where pain has dwelled.

The notion of "emotional blindness" is interesting, thought I would not call the cause "suffering from emotion." Though I believe this was not your intent, it frames the idea as if removing emotion was the problem, as people suffer from poverty, a dictator, or from a follow who has bo (why do some girls think they don't need deodorant? Grrr...) Yeah I agree about the blindness. Or it's more like self imposed blinders, for me to accept your positive feelings toward me means I have to accept I am worthy of recieving positive feelings in the first place.

There can also be a narcissism to emotional pathology. Depressed people, for example, tend to be narcissistic. Though even if they whine about how great everyone else is, and how much they suck. There is such a blind focus on the self, that one cannot see others, and how they relate to others. "I cannot tell my girlfriend how I truly feel, she won't like me." It's all me, me, me. Even compulsive givers who ignore their needs for others, again there is a deep-rooted fear that others won't like them, making the walls will come tumbling down.

p.s. Limbic Resonance--I like that, as if you tapped someone's head with a tuning fork and they started to get all glowy.

Reply
Bryn
3/31/2009 09:24:39 am

Thanks for this, Mike. I'm on the verge of a big move, myself, and I can relate to a lot of what you've written. As someone who has moved and changed social circles many, many times and who is just beginning to establish, for the first time in her life, a social network with some history... it makes the prospect of leaving and starting over again that much more difficult.

... But still exciting and full of opportunity. And I was never meant to stay still for long, anyhow.

Reply
Ralph Lauren Outlet link
12/21/2011 09:27:26 am

Just shows that writing by way of knowledge brings so a lot depth and relevance to types readers. Thank you for sharing

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    May 2015
    July 2014
    October 2013
    November 2012
    October 2012
    May 2012
    November 2011
    September 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    November 2010
    September 2010
    June 2010
    February 2010
    November 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009
    March 2009

    Mike Legett

    Whether it's grand themes of life, or what I had for breakfast, here's where I'll tell you what I think.

    Categories

    All
    Art
    Augusta Heritage
    Balboa
    Blues
    Boston
    Camps
    Choreography
    Classes
    Competition
    Dance
    Dancing
    Djing
    Dogs
    Events
    Festivals
    Following
    Food
    Frankie
    Fusion
    Leading
    Lifestyle
    Lindy
    Moving
    Music
    Musicians
    Philadelphia
    Pittsburgh
    Psychology
    Scene Building
    Scene-Building
    Shopping
    Solo
    Troupe

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.